A Winter Tale
wintertale.htm
6:00 PM December 8th:
It started to snow. The first snow of
the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12th:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Ted says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Ted is such a nice
man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14th, 8 a.m.:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life!
4 p.m.: The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15th:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 truck. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16th, 8:15 a.m.:
Ice storm. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for
one hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17th:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own living room.
December 20th:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice, left a
massive berm (thick heavy ice) both times.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Neighbor Ted says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22nd:
Neighbor Ted was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got
undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Ted who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23rd:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0°F. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's lying.
December 24th:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who
drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow and
ice all
over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the
snowplow.
December 25th:
Merry *&^^#@$+ -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight.
Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her
into the microwave.
December 26th:
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27th:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to
replace all my pipes.
December 28th:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving
me crazy!!!
December 29th:
10 more inches. Neighbor Ted says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?
December 30th:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver... he is now suing
me for a million dollars ...not only for the beating I gave him but
also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't
shine.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31st:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8th:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?